SATURN'S RETURN

The process of being human, much like the complex business of terraforming land, is based on a series of successions. Forgetting our origins at birth, we stumble through the challenges of our day to day and become weakened by the suffering. Our emotional and physical selves are assaulted by obstacles and loss constantly, and keeping any kind of peace of mind is a harrowing journey.  

Just like successional growth, in that new landscapes are formed and developed after something that existed previously has been disturbed or destroyed, our lives put before us a series of stagnations and explosions that force us to adapt and make room for new perspectives and horizons. It isn’t until something in our lives has fallen apart that we are able to move past it and reach for what must come next.

These difficulties are based on cycles; they orbit away from our lives only to return to be reexamined. If we are able to resist the temptation to hold onto them, they float away into the future to greet us once again someday when our actions or thoughts beckon. Each time they knock on our door, if we are doing the impossible work of connecting deeply to our inner truths, we are more capable of letting them sail on by. If we have repeatedly ignored or evaded the coming waves of tests and threats, they return with more momentum and generally a bigger plot is left behind that needs to be replanted.

The beautiful expression of our universe relies on all sorts of archetypes and patterns that, to the untrained eye, seem incredibly random and chaotic. In the holistic view of all contained in nature, these occurrences extend and connect into patterns that can be seen repeated from one species to the next; linkages orchestrating breeding cycles to blooming cycles, and infinite others, all the way down to the intentional sequence by which plants draw nutrients from the Earth.

Our own incarnations in this realm rely on the patterns that our soul has established before we walked this particular life, and our future is determined by the patterns we inhabit in the present. To become aware of our patterns, how we react to stimuli, how we listen to and treat our bodies, and who we spend our time with is to begin the healing process.

This, of course, is much easier said than done, and I have had what feels like many lifetimes of fumbling through the dark, making the same mistakes over and over again. The best version of myself is not always the easiest person to be and I have lived in regret more than a few times in my life. I have learned that every catastrophe in life, self created and universally presented, has a purpose and offers us a path forward and a lesson to chew on along the journey. 

The incredible way that our experiences are created is through the same alignments and resonances that make up the plants and animals, rocks, and spirits of this world and others. As the planets move throughout the sky, their intelligence is exuded and mixed with the expressions of the other galactic beings. Each of us is a constellation of our own, a mix of the forces of this galaxy equally unique and equally important. Emanating from the cosmic realms, one of the more tenacious cycles that besets the star system alive in every human is one’s Saturn Return.

2015 was an incredible year. Everything that I believed in was tested. Saturn, also known as Father Time: the keeper of maturity and growth, craned slowly back into the location within the stars that it had roamed at my birth, and everything began to change. It started at the periphery; small things that weren’t bolted down began to rip off and fly away. Needless arguments and emotional gambles began to carry more weight.

Before I knew it, my life was a tornado, and I was standing motionless in the eye. Saturn brought a hammer to my idealistic reality, and I hadn’t noticed that I had built the entire structure out of glass. My illusions were smashed right before my eyes, and I was forced to give up countless patterns and belief systems.

My whole young adult life was spent believing that everything had to be one way, or at least seem a certain way. This notion, born of my ego, gave me the willpower to push forward and create beautiful things. It egged me on to express myself and work hard towards what I perceived to be very concrete ideals. Before I knew it, I had a homestead, the beginnings of a family, and I was basically weaving together the perfect starter kit for a “back to the land” lifestyle. As Saturn's forces came back on their orbit, I could feel the Earth beneath my feet begin to quake.

The stresses of holding onto these inauthentic, fragile beliefs became too much. The foundation of my curated life was tested and it did not hold up to the dismantling forces. I lost my marriage, my homestead, and the sense that my maneuvers were fooling the ticking clock of maturity. I had a lot to learn about how I conduct myself in this world and what I could expect from my perceived truths. My life spiraled. I reached and tried to find a new view of things, a new way to look at the world, but all I received in return was the uncomfortable truth that we were not put on this Earth to understand everything all at once.

I made countless choices that were relapses, trying to see how many of my past behaviors I could get away with. The more I surrendered and relaxed into uncertainty, the more I was able to perceive through the chaos of my new reality. All of my relationships became mirrors; the more I chose to look into them, the more humbled and aware I became. Saturn pulled me through a few key experiences that allowed me to open up my heart and become more flexible and attuned to the beautiful streaming of consciousness ever flowing from our universe.

Many nights were spent staring at moonlit waters and letting the waves of emotions crash as they would, hitting whatever nerve needed release. The process broke me off from my hyper-focused path and reminded me that my actions and decisions were magnets that attracted their likeness. It also revealed to me hidden springs of resolve and strength. It narrowed the path moving forward but opened up much more of the map for me to explore.  

As Saturn continued its dance away from me–picking up new dance partners and leveling their fantasies to their soul foundations–my life seemed to calm down, but it never quite lost the intensity Saturn had brought with it. It was as if everything in my life was turned up a level. Nothing got easier. In fact, it was quite the opposite. My trials and tribulations during the return made me more equipped to deal with the mounting pressures of this existence and encouraged me to be accountable and take care of myself as I made the trek.

I can’t say that I am looking forward to the next return or that I look back fondly at this one, but I can say that I have much more respect for the creatures of this Earth that live long enough to see these cycles through. As I view the intricate bands in the logs that are being chopped into firewood, I can feel the incredible wisdom kept by this being as it stood silently, watching the world adjust, guided by Saturn’s long orbit.

I feel as I age how thin the veil becomes. I lose the need for the curated image of myself and open my chest instead to count the rings.